100 Days of Winning

AP Photo/Susan Walsh

President Donald Trump walks up the steps of Air Force One at General Mitchell International Airport in Milwaukee. 

Dear America,

I write you to mark my first 100 days in office, an era of unprecedented greatness in American history. Let's be honest: Just a few months ago, America was like a woman in her 40s—saggy, wrinkled, no reason to pay her any mind unless it's to elbow her aside on your way to some hot young Eastern European supermodel of a country. But today, America is that young supermodel. If you saw her, you'd want to grab her by the ... well, you know.

I fear that some of you who don't watch the full three hours of Fox & Friends every morning might not appreciate the true majesty of what I like to think of as 100 Days of Winning. I promised you that "We will have so much winning if I get elected that you may get bored with the winning," and that's what I've delivered—not the bored part, because c'mon, who could ever get bored with me? But the winning.

Nevertheless, it can be a little much to take in all at once, like when you're telling the Chinese premier that you just launched a bunch of missiles at Iraq or Syria (whichever), but the waiter brings you "the most beautiful piece of chocolate cake that you've ever seen" and you're trying to talk about the missiles but my god that cake is so gorgeous. It's like that.

Despite the fact that "No administration has accomplished more in the first 90 days" than this one (a terrific guy said that), some jokers have said that I've signed no significant legislation yet. This is complete garbage. Did nobody notice that I signed a bill allowing coal companies to dump coal ash in streams? Boom, accomplishment. Or how about the one saying oil companies don't have to report it when they make bri—I mean, payments to foreign governments? Boom. Or how about the one allowing states to drug test people who apply for unemployment benefits? Boom. Or how about the one allowing your internet service provider to sell your browsing history? Double boom.

It's not just here at home, either. All over the world, people are unsettled, frightened, uneasy when thinking about the United States—just the way I want them. And you haven't heard much about Syria since I sent missiles to that airfield, have you? Problem solved. Once China takes care of North Korea for us and then gives us back our jobs, you'll see what a great negotiator can do for you.

But all anyone wants to talk about is the promises I haven't kept yet! Like my big, beautiful border wall, which believe me, is on its way. I said just about every day on the campaign trail that Mexico was going to pay for it, but what everyone knows is that I meant that "Eventually, but at a later date so we can get started early, Mexico will be paying, in some form." And to be honest, the taco bowl at the Trump Grill is so amazing that it's kind of like they paid us already.

OK, so the fact-check nerds at The Washington Post counted 417 false claims I made in my first 91 days in office. But that tells me I'm doing great work. Why? Because they're Fake News, and if they say I'm lying all the time, it must mean I'm the most honest president ever. Case closed.

And have you ever seen a White House like this one? When I called it a "fine-tuned machine," I may have been underestimating things. No leaks, no infighting, everybody gets along and is terrific at their jobs. I'm even thinking of adding to the team this young up-and-comer named Frederick Douglass, who's done an amazing job and is getting recognized more and more, I notice. But frankly, every job is filled with somebody fantastic already.

I mean, could you do any better than my daughter Ivanka and her husband Jared? They're the tops, any administration would be proud to have them. I hired them only because of their skills, not because they're related to me. It was just a happy coincidence. And to those who say I shouldn't be giving my son-in-law so much authority, if you can find me another rich felon's kid who can reorganize the government, solve the opioid crisis, and achieve peace in the Middle East, that's the guy I'll hire.

What we've done already is mind-blowing, but what we're going to do soon is even better. Health care is taking a little while because nobody knew it could be so complicated, but as I said about it last week, "The plan gets better and better and better, and it's gotten really, really good, and a lot of people are liking it a lot." We're going to pass that thing any day now, and then it's on to tax reform, which I'm confident is going to be a piece of cake. Which reminds me, have I told you about the chocolate cake at Mar-a-Lago? It's unbelievable, believe me.

And although I haven't checked on it specifically, I'm pretty sure that manufacturing is back and people across the industrial Midwest are making sneakers and grommets and Big Wheels and stuff again. We're well on our way to finding the three million criminals who voted illegally for crooked Hillary—I appointed a commission or something, don't really remember exactly how it was going to work, but it'll be terrific and we'll get that whole thing sorted out. And once we get rid of the regulations that are crippling Wall Street, they'll finally be able to start earning again, and then watch out.

I won't lie, there have been a few awkward moments. A bunch of so-called judges struck down my Muslim ban. I had to fire my national security adviser, even though he did nothing wrong and he's a great guy. I was sad to see that Fox cut loose my good friend Bill O'Reilly, who also didn't do anything wrong—those women are liars, and they were probably asking for it anyway. Alec Baldwin keeps making fun of me on Saturday Night Live, which is so unfair and unfunny, nobody's even watching. People keep talking about Russia, even though it's all baloney and it's possible the whole thing is a false flag scheme concocted by George Soros, who's paying protesters against me—somebody should look into that. It probably has something to do with why Obama tapped my phones, but we're going to get to the bottom of it. I continue to be frustrated by polls showing my approval ratings are in the toilet, worse than any other president in the history of public opinion polling at this point in their presidency. But as I keep saying, any negative polls are fake news.

So when the going gets rough, I cast my mind back to January, when I looked out on the biggest crowd that had ever been assembled for an inauguration, maybe for any public event ever, and said to myself, "People are going to be talking about the size of this crowd for weeks." Or I think back on my Electoral College victory, which was so big and historic it was like if Trump Tower were an electoral college. And then I remember how much America loves me.

So on this occasion, let me say to all Americans, even the haters and losers: You're welcome.


Donald J. Trump

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