Romney: Thanks for having me here to the Oval Office to bury the hatchet, Mr. President. I know we both care deeply about America and its future.
Obama: Really? Because that's not what you said about me during the campaign. You said I didn't understand America and I had foreign ideas.
Romney: Oh, that was just campaign stuff! I didn't mean any of that. What is it the kids say? Don't hate the player, hate the game.
Obama: You getting a little hip-hop on me there, Mitt?
Romney: Well sir, I've long prided myself on my ability to be "down" with young people and their culture. And as I understand it, even many white kids listen to hip-hop these days. Imagine that!
Obama: Yeah. Anyway, how's the post-political life treating you?
Romney: Not too bad, although I have to admit it's a little slow. I know you're going to say, "Hey, he's rich, he must spend his days literally bathing in cash and gold coins like Scrooge McDuck." Common misconception. My money isn't in cash in a room in my house, it's distributed over a stunningly complex array of financial instruments and accounts. Not saying I don't have some close at hand if the stuff goes down, if you know what I mean. But there's no bathing in it—Romney family rule. That's what I taught my boys, that's how I live my life.
Obama: Good to know.
Romney: So I haven't figured out what I'm going to do next, but I'll tell you one thing I won't miss about being a politician: voters. Heavens to betsy can they be a pain in the neck, am I right? Always asking for something, wanting you to act like you're their best friend. And the hands! The endless, clammy hands to shake, with their quivery little fingers and their sweaty palms. I had a nightmare once where a thousand people all tried to shake my hand at once, and I fell down and they suffocated me. Scary.
So listen, I wonder if I could ask you a favor.
Obama: Go ahead, Mitt, have a seat behind the desk.
Romney: Really? Can I?
Obama: You bet, sport. I'll be sitting at that desk every day for the next four years, so I don't really mind. You can have a couple of minutes.
Romney: Can I call up a general?
Obama: No, you may not.
Romney: Well anyway, this is great! If only my dad could see me now. So Mr. President, is there anything I can do for you? You know, to help America?
Obama: Well, you could get McCain to step off Susan Rice.
Romney: Oh, I don't think I can help you there, sir. John is a … how can I put this nicely?
Obama: A bitter old man? A sore loser? An all-around asshole?
Romney: Well, I wouldn't use that kind of language, sir, but I'm not going to disagree.
Obama: Well now, looks like you and I just came together in a note of bipartisan agreement.
Romney: Ha, ha! Terrific!
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