Art by Jason Schneider

These busy days, it’s hard to keep track of all that you’ve been doing. You may not remember what websites you’ve visited, who you’ve talked to and texted on your phone, every angle of every room in your house, and your precise location at every waking moment.

Well, we’re the big web platform companies. And we know more about you than you do. So we are offering you this handy app to share our information about you—with you. In real time!

With SURVEILLAPP, you can review everywhere you’ve been and who you’ve been with; what products you’ve browsed, clicked on, or offhandedly glanced at; what movies you’ve watched and what songs you’ve listened to; what politicians and political messages you’ve liked; actually everything you’ve ever liked; all of your entire social media activity and your friends’ activity and the friends of your friends’ activity, and also their friends. And of course the people you’ve dated. And the people they’ve dated. And the people you’re likely to date soon.

So far, we’ve provided this kind of information only to our advertising partners. They want to know all about you, and pay us good money to find out. But we figured that you might also want to know. Just for your own files.

This is incredibly lucrative information. But with SURVEILLAPP we’re giving it to you for free! Mainly because you gave it to us for free and we made just gobs of money off it. I mean, you don’t even want to know.

Maybe you thought you opted out of giving us this information by clicking a button that prevented data collection. Really, it’s very quaint of you to think that would work! But if it did, SURVEILLAPP wouldn’t be as robust as it is, now would it? And wouldn’t you be sorry? There is no point in trying to resist—you might as well take advantage of all that we know about you, for your own benefit.

In principle, we could provide you with similar information that we have on your spouse or your lover, your boss or your co-workers, your friends and your enemies. That app is still in development, and you’ll be the first to know! Well, actually, we will.

What can you do with all this information? The possibilities are endless—at least, they are if you’re a digital platform and you have like two billion of these puppies to sell to advertisers. What can you do with, well, one? I’m sure you’ll think of something.

If you act now, whenever you use the app, we will learn which of your activities are most important to you, and that will go into our database, too!

So give SURVEILLAPP a try today! Warning: Not available where privacy is respected. 

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